Pull to come back

I am writing this from our fortified compound in Baghdad. I am used to conflicts and getting things done in foreign countries where I don't speak the language. I believe doing so has given me a different perspective and a better tuned sense of danger.

For example, a while ago there was gunfire outside. A newbie was visibly unsettled and asked "What's that? What's that?" "7-6-2 short," I replied, briefly looking up from my laptop and referring to the size of bullet fired by an AK47, having sub-consciously identified the weapon from the sound.

My reasons for being totally unconcerned were:

1) There were only three shots.

2) They all came from the same weapon (type, direction, volume the same - not a gunfight)

3) None of them had come through my window (If you hear the shot, the bullet has already missed you)

4) Nobody outside felt the need to return fire.

Conclusion: Probably an accidental discharge from some silly person who left their safety catch off. No shouting on the radio or in the street - OK. He didn't hit anybody.

Need to go back
That sort of knowledge comes in handy in a war zone but is of little use in normal life. I recently received an email from a good friend who just went home and it got me thinking about the difficulty of adjusting to "normal" life.

She mentioned that she often visits with other friends who had also worked in Iraq as way to help with the readjustment process, but that one thing struck her - the fact that almost everyone felt an incredible pull to go back.

Shoot. I thought I was the only one who felt like that.

If I look in a mirror, I don't notice the changes in my face from day to day, but if I pick up a photograph from ten years ago, I'm surprised how much I've changed. My friend's thoughts brought one thing into sharp focus: This place changes you. It's changed me.

As an engineer, I've been working out of Iraq for ten years now and under these threat conditions for the last three years. I know this job won't last forever and I actually feel sadness and anxiety that one day I will have to go home for good. I will miss my friends here and I feel like I don't belong in my community at home as well as I used to.

People there watch a few minutes of news each day, and have a relatively shallow understanding of the problems here, but almost always go on at length about how the problems can be fixed. I guess it's like football: Everybody at home in front of the TV thinks they could manage the team better than the guy that's been doing it for years.

It's long been my experience that the worse the place we find ourselves in, the better the experience. The greater the hardship the better the team bonds, the closer we become and the more we appreciate each other. When you only get to wash once a week, you suddenly appreciate little luxuries a whole lot more. You also tend to get people who pull together on jobs like this - prima-donnas don’t usually come to places like this.

What is so different about Iraq?
What is it about the lifestyle here that makes it easy to get used to and makes it so hard to leave? I left Afghanistan after several good trips with no sadness. Why is Iraq different?

I don't claim to have all the answers but I do have some theories: This is the first war zone I've been to where we have been on the target list. For the first time in my experience we have defenses to prevent the factions in a conflict from actively attacking us.

Also for the first time, the military isn’t treating us as their friends. They are happy to have us along when it suits their needs, but our movements in military-controlled areas are severely restricted and we are excluded from gaining entry to their social venues.

To be fair, some other journalists have contributed to our social isolation from the military by publishing sensationalist stories of the goings on at Green Zone parties and details of security arrangements. I think such reporting is very unfair; these people are away from home and they need their security and escapism too.

Individual soldiers still see us as their friends and show kindness, but the administration no longer does. Since the last insurgent attack on a shop we can't even go to their shopping places anymore.

In addition, the threats to our safety on the street mean that we can't go out to eat, socialize or shop in town. In fact, unnecessary outside travel is a no-no and we have to send our local staff out to get things we need. I remember going out for walks in Afghanistan and doing the same here before the violence. All this means that we have to keep our own company.

So, we have satellite TV, DVDs, and our own kitchen-come-restaurant where those with a culinary gift cook for everyone. When I'm here I get more face time with my colleagues than I do with my family at home. As an office-based engineer, problems excepted, I know exactly what my day will be like before I get out of bed. I have my comforts and sometimes this feels more like home than home.

Accustomed to what you know, like it or not
Everybody here has something they do to escape from the confinement. They play guitar, the bagpipes, paint model soldiers, play video games, workout or surf the Internet. I keep tropical fish. The tank is an oasis of calm populated by all these little lives that need me. Removing snails and algae, cleaning the glass and tending to the water quality needs of this fragile ecosystem lets me focus and takes me away from everything else here.

I guess anybody coming out of a temporary lifestyle must face the same challenges when they try to go back to their old lives be they journalists, contractors or military.

The truth is that our experiences change us, but they don't change our friends at home, so those friendships inevitably change too. You can't take your life experiences back; I have learned many things that enrich my life, but others that I would rather not know.

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13 COMMENTS

Thank you for you Blog. You don't know how much this means, as our family has 2 boys in Iraq right now..(Zach, 1, 506 Ramadi)(Nick, Green Zone coming in from Fort Dix). Since the Isreal/Lebanon conflict, Iraq has taken a back seat and that should never be the case. We will never forget these men and women, they will always come first in our minds every single day and your input and insights help us tremendously! We will never forget them!

Katherine Pentek (Sent Aug 7, 2006 1:51:38 PM)

I also would like to thank Blogging Baghdad, as well as Chris Matthews of Hardball for providing us indepth coverage on the war in Iraq. Ever since the Israel/Lebanon was started, it has been very hard to get news on our soldiers. The military familes care about and need to be informed as to what is happening to our sons and daughters. We spend most of our waking hours watching the news programs, searching the web, etc. Our thoughts are always with our son and the other troops serving in Iraq and Afghanistan.

To Katherine Pentek - I know how hard it is to stay strong - there are a lot of military mothers and fathers who know exactly what you are going through. I can state with all earnest that we know and feel your pain first hand.

Barbara Orr (Sent Aug 7, 2006 7:51:57 PM)

Katherine,those are not boys anymore...God bless them and we hope they come home safe!

andy,booneville ms. (Sent Aug 7, 2006 8:53:21 PM)

Good job Paul and very touching and down to earth.Keep up the good work and God bless.

mike montgomery germanton, north carolina (Sent Aug 8, 2006 2:01:34 PM)

Good job on the blog. I honestly don't think most Americans except those who have family over there realize how bad it is except, like you said what they see on the news. The sad part is we here in the states can't smell or hear the true reality of it all.

George, Tamaqua, Pa. (Sent Aug 8, 2006 5:08:22 PM)

Thank you for putting into words the experiences of working in Iraq. Have often questioned "What is life going to be like after Iraq?"

Debra, Iraq (Sent Aug 13, 2006 1:15:37 AM)

Reading this blog has made me think of my husband more and more. My husband is with 502 in Mamuhdiyah, or otherwise known as the triangle of death. He and his comrades have been through some stuff I couldn't ever imagine seeing in a movie. I feel for everyone of them and their families. I am also worried for some of them and their families. Like in this blog, I didn't think too much of how some of these men and women who return to "normal" life will have the desire or need to go back to the war zone. I am somewhat sure my husband will be one of them. I think in some way it is comfortablte for him. He and his men have been through so much for so long that it has become the "normal" for them. I just ask everyone out there to please pray for our guys over there. I appreciate it highly.

Jennie McDonald, Fort Campbell, KY (Sent Aug 13, 2006 11:55:36 AM)

The impact of life in Iraq cannot help but make you appreciate American freedom and security. I am a retired army Sergeant Major who returned from Iraq 15 months ago. I still remember faces, relationships with Iraqi nationals, and the experience like it was yesterday. The violence is real and the need to succeed crucial.

Nick, Texas (Sent Aug 13, 2006 5:48:47 PM)

Story Too Late.. Cain Slew Able 5000 Years Ago.
The Civil War Started when the first Mosque was Blown up. Reality is, if there had been OIL in Yugoslavia, Mulosoavich, Like Sadam would be History.
On The Other Hand, Haven't the Muslims been fighting since Cain Killed Able? Doubt It Will Change...

David Kellum, Gilchrist, Oregon (Sent Aug 13, 2006 8:59:45 PM)

Paul is right, the 7.62x39mm does have a distintive sound and if you hear it your O.K. but still keep your head down.

andy,booneville ms. (Sent Aug 14, 2006 8:26:16 AM)

Well written Paul. Keep safe, see you when you get home.

Glenda Lawson, Cam, Gloucestershire (Sent Aug 15, 2006 5:11:50 PM)

Most Americans only give passing thoughts to Iraq and then when the war between Israel and Hezbelloh started our attention was changed to that. Do we all have ADD or just our journalists and Congress. I too, have to search out news from Iraq. I have a grandson on his second tour with a wife and two babies at home.

P. Marks, Houston, Texas (Sent Aug 15, 2006 5:29:00 PM)

Great Blog! It is refreshing to see someone, who is not in the military, speak about conditions that affect our soldiers each and every day. As a retired Army Sergeant, and a veteran of the war in Iraq, it has always disturbed me that most people here at home only see what the journalists want them to see, good or bad, and only for ten to thirty seconds at a time. Thank you for letting the folks here at home what it is like there and hopefully more of your collegues will join you in telling the "real story".

Mark Durocher, Colorado Springs, CO. (Sent Aug 20, 2006 12:24:41 PM)

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Slide Show

Life beyond the violence
Suicide attacks and murders due to sectarian conflict continue around Iraq. See how residents live their lives amid the attacks.